Midnight

I was happily browsing the internet, when I accidentally stumbled upon some sort of Twilight fan site. I thought to myself, “what am I doing here? I should just leave”, when suddenly, I was bombarded by thousands of ads! I started closing them one at a time with my mouse, closing them at a rate of 88 ads per second. I thought I was going to come out okay, but then I accidently clicked on one of the ads! Bolts of lightning started coming out of my computer screen, until I ended up at Stephanie Meyer’s blog in the year 2003! I guess I clicked on some sorta timewarp hyperlink, which sent me and my laptop back in time.

Stephanie had written a post, asking for some romantic monsters, so being a helpful guy, I suggested “zombies”.  But after I had commented, my laptop started flashing again, and I arrived back in the future, and to my shock, the twilight site was renamed to “midnight”, and the poster now looked like this:

I had turned Edward into a zombie! So I quickly checked out the wikipedia page for “Midnight”, and here was the summary:

Bella Swan moves to rainy Forks, Washington and attracts much attention at her new school and is quickly befriended by several students. When Bella is seated next to Edward Cullen in class on her first day of school, Edward seems utterly repulsed by her, muttering to himself “braaaaaainsss…” while limping away in disgust However, over the next few days Edward warms up to her, and their newfound relationship reaches a climax when Bella is nearly run over by a fellow classmate’s van in the school parking lot. Seemingly defying the laws of physics, Edward saves her life when he pushes her out of the way, gets hit by the van, loses his hand, but is miraculously able to reattach it by himself.

Bella becomes hellbent on figuring out how Edward saved her life, and constantly pesters him with questions. Bella concludes that Edward and his family are zombies who eats animal brains rather than a human’s. Edward confesses that he initially avoided Bella her brain seemed so fresh and delicious. Over time, Edward and Bella fall in love, despite Edward’s constant hunger for Bella’s brains, and Edward’s rotting odor.

At first, I thought it was kinda cool. I mean there’s zombies right? So when my girlfriend dragged me to go see it, I thought it’d be a bit more exciting. I was wrong. Here’s an excerpt:

Bella: You’re incredibly slow, your skin… falls off all the time, you don’t go into the sunlight, you only eat animal brains…. How old are you?
Edward: Seeeveeeennnteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenn….
Bella: How long have you been seventeen?
Edward: … a whiiiilllllleeeeeeeee…hmmmm….braaaiiiiinnnnssss….
Bella: I know what you are.
Edward: Saaaaay ittt….saaaayyyy itttt outttt louuuuuuddddddddd….
Bella: Zombie..

I could not handle it. As bad as Twilight was, Midnight was far worse! The zombies were soo incredibly slow! Eevvvveerrrryttthiiinngg theeeyyy saaaaiiiiddd waaassss likkeeeee thisssssss! And they’re be losing their limbs all the time! I mean, wow sexy is a make out scene with Edward and Bella, if Edwards hands and lips keep falling off? And how stupid are the zombies? They try to fit in at a high school, but don’t even bother to patch up their scars or fix their bleeding orifices! Oddly enough, girls still found Robert Pattinson sexy. Despite his mangled appearance.

I knew my girlfriend would be dragging me to see every single movie, and I don’t think I could of handled it, so I hopped back on my laptop. Went back to that fansite, closed ads at a rate of 88 ads per second, accidently clicked on one, and got sent back to 2003! I then went back to the blog, found my commented, DELETED it, and then suggested vampires!

I went back to good ol 2009, and everything was back to vampires! My girlfriend will probably drag me to New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn, but at least I won’t have to endure the vampires limping everywhere they go!