They’re Doing It Wrong At Evil Henchmen Academy!!!

A group of ten evil henchmen enter a bank. The evil leader rises up his gun, shoots a round of shots and yells, “Everyone on the ground! This is a robbery!” Frightened, the bank tellers and clients fall to the ground, quivering in fear, not knowing if they will make it out alive.

One by one, the evil henchmen enter the vault and extract their bounty. Hope appears to be lost, when suddenly, out of the blue, the hero flamboyantly falls through the glass ceiling, proclaiming to the world, “Never fear! Your hero is here!”

The evil leader, not wanting to lose his hard-earned treasure, orders the henchmen, “Get him boys!” The henchmen swarm around the hero, ready to beat him to a pulp. They attack him one by one, buts its no use. The evil leader squirms in anguish as the hero tosses the evil henchmen off to the side.

They’re now unconcious. The evil leader, in an act of desperation shoots the leader with his evil ray of doom. “Silly evil leader”, exclaims the hero, as the evil rays of doom bounch harmlessly off his rock-hard chest of goodness and saves the day.

So, what went wrong for the evil leader? The evil henchmen of course! Seriously. They’re being taught the WRONG things at the evil henchment academy!

Seriously,  it happens all the time, in kung-fu movies, super hero movies, power ranger movies, etc…  What is this problem? The henchmen are using a PRIORITY ATTACK QUEUE!

What is a priority attack queue? Basically, the henchmen all want to attack the hero. They wanna attack him badly, but they can’t decide who will go first. So, they assign themselves a priority. Sometimes its the strongest first, sometimes its the weakest first. Whatever. It doesn’t matter, because they always end up fighting the hero one-on-on.

Let us assume that we have a set of ten henchmen, each one will have an x amount of attack they can administer to the hero. The problem is, the hero will usually have a power level greater then or equal to the strongest henchmen. So with that assumption, the hero will be able to easily dispense any of them.

So what algorithm should the evil henchnen be taught at the Evil Henchmen Academy? Please. Its so obvious. They should be implementing an EVIL DIVIDE AND CONQUER algorithm!

The idea behind an evil divide and conquer algorithm, or any sort of algorithm like this, is to divide the problem into little parts, and solve those parts seperatly. After those little parts are solved, they are combined together into the final solution.

So if a henchmen were to encounter a hero, they would divide the hero into the following pieces:

1. Right leg
2. Left leg
3. Right arm
4. Left arm
5. Throat
6. Head
7. Chest
8. Testicles (Its an evil algorithm! Don’t attack surprised!)
9. Buttocks
10. Mouth

So if each henchmen were to focus on solely one of these parts, the hero’s attention would be too divided to even begin to fend off the attack. The henchmen would then beat each of these parts into a bloody pulp, then when the parts are combined into one final solution, you get a hero who is now a huge bloody pulp.

I swear. I should turn to a life of evil. Unfortunately, my evil laugh still needs a bit more work to strike fear into the hearts of my opponents. Until next time, same Anton-ian blog, same Anton-ian domain!